Lansing area high speed internet access

[Edward Glowacki]

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GLLUGHIC
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After much discussion and complaining about the availability of high speed
internet access in the Lansing, MI area, the Greater Lansing Linux User's
Group (GLLUG) has decided to step forth and do something about it.  We
will now be known as the Greater Lansing Linux User's Group and High-speed
Internet Consortium (GLLUGHIC).

Disclaimer: Our new acronym has absolutely *nothing* to do with the sounds
associated with the consumption of alcoholic beverages, i.e. drinking
noises (GLLUG) and hiccups (HIC).  Should one of our member employees make
these sounds at any time, including while servicing your area, they are
referring to the group and are in fact *not* drinking.  Really.  Ok, so
maybe they are getting sloshed, but nobody ever reads legal disclaimers,
so who cares anyway?

The Project 
----------- 

Everyone deserves reliable high-speed internet access at a reasonable
price.  To this end, GLLUGHIC will wire all of the greater Lansing area
with fiber-optic cable.  Our experienced crew of high school students and
former pizza delivery drivers will be tearing up roadways, sidewalks, and
front lawns to install fiber to each residence in the Lansing area.  
Don't worry, all the major digging will be done by trained professionals,
in this case a flock of remotely operated digging machines controlled by a
bunch of 10 year old kids who have been told they're playing a cool video
game (ala the movie "Toys", but with potentially less distructive
machines, at least as long as they don't hit a gas line).  It should be
pretty safe, I mean they're only digging trenches, and besides gas,
there's only the electric, phone, water, cable, and sewer lines throughout
the city to contend with.

For the last leg from the street to your residence, one of our expert
designers, whose skill has been honed by years of connecting the dots in
childrens activity books, will plot the fiber's path across your lawn to
the side of your building (and likely it will be the side of your house
that has the nicest flower bed.  Don't worry, those prize petunias will be
back healthy and strong in a few years.)  Our crew will then descend upon
your lawn like locusts, dig the trench and attach a small (6'x3'x2'
HxWxD) fiber termination box to the side of the building.  There are 3
different paint schemes to choose from: Polka-dot, Paisly, and Candycane,
so you can select the one that's right for you!

Our goal is fiber through every flower bed, er, to every home.

Specifications and pricing
--------------------------

Initial installation of fiber, including the external termination box on
the side of your residence, will come at no cost to you!  Everyone will be
wired!

Once the fiber is in place we can begin activating service for customers.  
Pricing is still being worked out, but it will start at less than a penny
per nano-fortnight for constant connection service! Bandwidth will be
available up to a whopping 100 atto-yotta bits-per-second!!!  Tentative
levels of service are*: 8mkbps, 64hbps, 48mMbps, 256mMbps, 1uTbps,
4uTbps, 1cGbps, and 100aYbps.  Due to the quality and quantity of fiber
we're laying, we hope to eventually provide service in the 10pZbps range!

* Abbreviatons used:
mkbps = milli-kilo bits-per-second (x1)
hbps  = hecto bits-per-second 	   (x100)
mMbps = milli-mega bits-per-second (x1,000)
uTbps = micro-tera bits-per-second (x1,000,000)
cGbps = centi-giga bits-per-second (x10,000,000)
aYbps = atto-yotta bits-per-second (x1,000,000)
pZbps = pico-zetta bits-per-second (x1,000,000,000)

And we're even having a special 2-for-1 offer!!! Sign up for the input
fiber, get the output fiber free!!!  Communicate in both directions for
one low price!!!

Note: Due to excessive demand, the Candycane painted fiber box will be $10
extra.

How to sign up
--------------

Step 1. Call 555-FIBER and give the operator all your information,
including SSN and credit card numbers (more than one if you have them).
Step 2. Send in your first months payment. Electronic transfer available,
just ask for our offshore account number when you call.
Step 3. When we get your cash, you'll get the service.  We promise.
Step 4. Cancel all your other voice/data services, they're obsolete!!
Step 5. It's that simple!
(Steps 6-12 are available upon request for those that prefer 12-step
programs.)

Special bonus:  The first 100 callers get their first month of Basic
service, 8 milli-kilo bits-per-second of blazing fast internet, for
FREE!!!

Call GLLUGHIC today!!!
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Disclaimer: The existance of the GLLUG is real, everything else above is
not.  I'm not liable if you believe anything I wrote. =)  Hope you enjoyed
it!

-- 
Edward Glowacki				glowack2@msu.edu
Greater Lansing Linux User's Group	http://www.gllug.org